The Vacuum
Arch-nemesis #1
Makes loud noise. Moves without warning. Eats her fur. A villain of the highest order. She bites it. She loses. She tries again next Tuesday.
Encyclopedia Millieica, 14th edition
The Official Field Guide
to One (1) Good Girl
A peer-reviewed reference work covering the language, geopolitics, allies, enemies, and preferred horizontal surfaces of the turkey monster herself. All entries are 100% true and only slightly exaggerated. All editors are Katie. All peer reviewers are also Katie.
Ch. I — Her Vocabulary
Words she knows, ranked by how hard her tail wags
Turkey
noun, honorificHerself. A summoning word. Known to produce immediate tail activity.
Turkey sandwich
compoundAlso herself. Interchangeable with 'turkey'. Used when extra affection is being delivered.
Turkey monster
nocturnalHerself, evening form. Zoomies imminent.
Good girl
verifiedHer given title. Believed to be her legal first name. Responds at 400ft.
Who's a good girl
sacredRhetorical. Answer implied. Tail now at 7,000 RPM.
Cookie
dangerSacred. Causes religious experience. Do not say unless prepared.
Snack
holySee: COOKIE. See also: dinner, breakfast, any noise coming from the kitchen.
Dinner
criticalThe single most important word in any human language, past or future.
Walk
Must be spelled W-A-L-K. Saying it out loud initiates countdown to leash.
Outside
See: walk. She is already at the door. How did she get there.
Squirrel
battle cryAn accusation. A call to arms. Do not invoke casually.
Katie
deityPrimary human. Sun around which Millie orbits. Source of all good things.
Bed
Depending on tone: a suggestion (good), a command (rejected), or an invitation (enthusiastic).
Off
unknownDoes not parse. File not found.
Drop it
unknownAlso does not parse. See also: 'leave it.'
Who's at the door
emergencyA test. There is never anyone at the door. There might be. She will check.
The mailman
warningKnown threat. See: nemeses.
Bath
forbiddenA slur. A betrayal. A word she has banned from the household.
Ch. II — Arch-Nemeses
Threats to the realm. She has memorized their faces.
⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️
The Roomba
Arch-nemesis #2
The vacuum's smaller, crueler cousin. Moves autonomously. Has no soul. Has been herded into a corner 47 times and keeps coming back.
The Doorbell
Public enemy #1 (acoustic)
Has produced exactly zero confirmed visitors this year. She does not believe this is possible. She will continue investigating.
The Mailman
Eternal rival
Delivers envelopes. Delivers them AT THE HOUSE. Every single day. The audacity. The nerve. She has a log.
The UPS Truck
Subcontracted menace
Loud. Brown. Transient. Disappears before it can be fully barked at. Cowardly.
The Skateboard Kid (3 houses down)
Neighborhood vigilante
Wheels that move on their own. Clearly witchcraft. Has never stopped to explain himself.
A Specific Plastic Bag
Rogue element
Flapping. Unplaced. Untrustworthy. She saw it on a Tuesday. She has not forgotten.
The Fridge Water Dispenser
Betrayal in white
Makes unpredictable noises. Sometimes dispenses ice at point-blank range. Traitor.
Balloons
Existential
Float without legs. Explode without warning. An abomination.
Ch. III — Allies
Those with whom a treaty is in effect.
👑
Katie
Primary Human, Supreme Ally
Pet provider, belly rub artisan, keeper of the cookie jar, the love of her life. Millie would herd her anywhere.
🧀
Jon
Secondary Human, Certified Treat Dispenser
Occasional lap. Frequent snack enabler. Has been known to share cheese.
🛋️
The Couch
Loyal lieutenant
Always available. Never judges. Reliable napping surface. Absorbs drool without complaint.
🏡
Grandma's House
Honorary Territory
Contains both snacks and an attention surplus. The promised land.
🦴
The UPS Guy (a different one)
Double agent
Has been known to distribute biscuits. Under evaluation for full ally status.
🧊
The Refrigerator
Ambient ally
Houses the snacks. When it opens, she is there. It has never betrayed her (see: Water Dispenser for separate grievance).
🐘
Her Pink Elephant Toy
Best friend, in peacetime
Has been de-squeaked, de-stuffed, and de-legged. Still loved. Currently held together by love and lint.
☀️
The Sunbeam
Seasonal friend
Appears on the living room rug between 2–4pm. Non-verbal. Extremely warm. Excellent companion.
😾
The Cat (reluctantly)
Frenemy
Tolerates Millie's herding attempts with a weary dignity. Will occasionally initiate a truce.
Ch. IV — Favorite Nap Spots, Officially Ranked
Peer-reviewed by one (1) turkey.
- 1
On Katie, specifically on top of Katie
11/10Ideal. Warm. Provides a cardiovascular lullaby. Includes complimentary head pats.
- 2
The sunbeam on the living room rug
10/10Solar-powered. Free. Limited-time offer, 2–4pm only.
- 3
Directly in the kitchen doorway where you need to walk
10/10Strategic positioning. Maximum surveillance of snack activity.
- 4
The couch, sideways
10/10Limbs over the edge. Tongue out. A classic.
- 5
Your side of the bed, the exact second you get up
10/10Cannot be replicated. Has been known to sigh when evicted.
- 6
The bath mat, for no reason
9/10Tile-adjacent. Cold. Baffling. She loves it.
- 7
Under the coffee table, like a little goblin
9/10Defensive position. View of all entrances. Beloved.
- 8
Outside, belly up, in dirt
8/10 (7/10 after the bath)Occasional. Results in a bath. Worth it every time.
- 9
The dog bed she was specifically purchased
3/10Rarely used. Seen more as a decorative element.